A Few Funnies From A Funny Fellow

Here's to Sunday, a day of rest, relaxation and remote control.

AN IRISH FAMILY BAR
A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"The others agree that sounds like a good place.Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!""Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?""No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"

GRANDMAS DON'T ALWAYS KNOW EVERYTHING
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.He had been playing outside with other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked : "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other ?"She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth."It's called sexual intercourse, darling."Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and he went back outside to play with his friends.
A few minutes later, he comes back in the house and says angrily, "Grandma, it is not called "sexual intercourse" !!! It's called "bunk beds" and Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you... NOW ! "

HOLY SOAP
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand , and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells..."Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"

* Submitted by an anonymous good Catholic chicken farmer from downtown Airsaig whose email continue to enlighten the entire MacCormick clan.